Facebook Status Updates

Status updates that I used on Facebook recently that friends liked the most.

 

 

Feel free to use them for your own updates!

1. I hate it when cops throw you in the back of the squad car like they did not EVEN hear you call shotgun!
2. I may not be a good example…..  but I make one hell of a great warning!
3. Roses are red.  Violets are blue.  Friend requests are good.  But who the hell are you?
4. I’ve changed the lock on my heart.  You can stick the old key up your a$$!  Smile, I’m sure someone loves you.
5. I love being single because I am always there when I need me!
6. Most people even under ideal conditions have trouble locating their car keys from their pockets, locating their cell in a purse, or pinning the tail on the donkey– but I would bet that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 ft away in about 1.7 seconds.  Eyes closed!
7. Milestone alert:  This is my 100th post from a toilet…… and I would like to thank the fine people at McDonalds for making it all possible.
8. Do you think maybe God made our buttcracks up and down because if they were sideways when we went down a slide it would sound like bufufufufuflubflubflub……??   Things that make you go hhhhmmmmm!
9. We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, the length of a man’s penis is 3x’s the length of his thumb, and the femur is hard as concrete.  A woman has read this entire post already.  A man is still looking at his thumb……. Sorry guys!
10. The first person to complain about the heat this summer will be bitchsmacked!

I hope you enjoy them!  Let me know if you have any good ones of your own that you want to share!  As we are always looking for the perfect status!

Status Updates

• Ever notice how Barbie has a lot of really nice things for a girl whose knees don’t bend?
• Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?  Sponge Bob Square Pants!  Who died in an oil spill because of B.P.?
• (4xy+2x+2y)(7z-2xy-yz)….. f#%^ this!  I’d rather be a stripper!!
• Can someone please tell Barack I’m Baroke?
• I woke up this morning and I spilled milk and cereal all over the kitchen floor, I took 1 bite from every apple and left them on the counter, I left empty popsicle wrappers and sticks all over the coffee table, and I scattered toys all over the front lawn.  This way, maybe my kids can rest today!!
• Ever wonder how skating on thin ice can get you into hot water?
• Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask a native American!!
• It is so much easier to get older than it is to get wiser!
• Bachelors know more about women than married men that is why they are not married!!
• I am not single I am romantically challenged.
• I am textually active!

Status Updates

• I feel sorry for people who do not drink.  When they get up in the morning that is the best they are going to feel all day!
• Don’t read everything you believe!
• I may never be on schedule but I am always on time!
• I’m bringing sexy back!  All the way back to the store because this dress is way too little………
• I’ve been thinking about exercising but so far all I’ve done is thinking about it!
• My front door mat says:  Come back with a warrant.
• I did not call you crazy all I said was that you looked like you owned 400 cats!
• I am under paid, pressure, rated, followed, the gun, the weather, the radar, the influence, and the wrong impression.  WTF?????
• No, I wasn’t born in a barn but you know who was?  Jesus.
• Ugly is such an ugly word.  If you are going to describe me I prefer you to use “handsomely challenged.”
• It’s hotter than 2 mice f*&^&*(( in a wool sock!!!
• I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory!
• I wonder how many hot dogs kobayashi sucked down in jail last night?
• If kids can have an ice cream truck, why can’t adults have a margarita truck?

Status Updates

 

• My car talks.  It tells me that my door is ajar but never really anything useful like there is a trooper hiding in the bushes.
• Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
• Don’t jump to conclusions because you will land in ignorance everytime.
• I bet Facebook is one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People!?
• If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, you can baffle ‘em with bullshit.
• I’m not suffering from insanity.  I’m enjoying every minute of it!
• I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone but it’s always worked for me!
• A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings!
• I prefer camoflauge condoms so they can’t see me coming!
• My life’s like a porno only without the sex!