Status Updates

• Ever notice how Barbie has a lot of really nice things for a girl whose knees don’t bend?
• Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?  Sponge Bob Square Pants!  Who died in an oil spill because of B.P.?
• (4xy+2x+2y)(7z-2xy-yz)….. f#%^ this!  I’d rather be a stripper!!
• Can someone please tell Barack I’m Baroke?
• I woke up this morning and I spilled milk and cereal all over the kitchen floor, I took 1 bite from every apple and left them on the counter, I left empty popsicle wrappers and sticks all over the coffee table, and I scattered toys all over the front lawn.  This way, maybe my kids can rest today!!
• Ever wonder how skating on thin ice can get you into hot water?
• Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask a native American!!
• It is so much easier to get older than it is to get wiser!
• Bachelors know more about women than married men that is why they are not married!!
• I am not single I am romantically challenged.
• I am textually active!

Status Updates

• I feel sorry for people who do not drink.  When they get up in the morning that is the best they are going to feel all day!
• Don’t read everything you believe!
• I may never be on schedule but I am always on time!
• I’m bringing sexy back!  All the way back to the store because this dress is way too little………
• I’ve been thinking about exercising but so far all I’ve done is thinking about it!
• My front door mat says:  Come back with a warrant.
• I did not call you crazy all I said was that you looked like you owned 400 cats!
• I am under paid, pressure, rated, followed, the gun, the weather, the radar, the influence, and the wrong impression.  WTF?????
• No, I wasn’t born in a barn but you know who was?  Jesus.
• Ugly is such an ugly word.  If you are going to describe me I prefer you to use “handsomely challenged.”
• It’s hotter than 2 mice f*&^&*(( in a wool sock!!!
• I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory!
• I wonder how many hot dogs kobayashi sucked down in jail last night?
• If kids can have an ice cream truck, why can’t adults have a margarita truck?

Status Updates

 

• My car talks.  It tells me that my door is ajar but never really anything useful like there is a trooper hiding in the bushes.
• Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
• Don’t jump to conclusions because you will land in ignorance everytime.
• I bet Facebook is one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People!?
• If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, you can baffle ‘em with bullshit.
• I’m not suffering from insanity.  I’m enjoying every minute of it!
• I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone but it’s always worked for me!
• A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings!
• I prefer camoflauge condoms so they can’t see me coming!
• My life’s like a porno only without the sex!